Happy Holidays

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


MERRY CHRISTMAS!


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Andrew Stratford's Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs of 2009

Well, folks, it's that time of the year again. The holiday lights are glowing, and the weather, it is snowing (clever rhyme!), and there is a quiet peace that permeates the air. It is Christmas. And yet, every time I turn on the radio, I hear some of the WORST Christmas songs! They should all be banned from the airwaves! They destroy Christmas! You know exactly what I'm talking about. The songs whose sappiness just reeks from the speakers. The songs that take a classic and piss all over it.

Those songs.

And so it is now my goal, no matter how impossibly large of a task it may seem, to see that the following songs are banned from ever being played on any radio station ever again.

ANDREW STRATFORD'S TOP 10 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF 2009:

10.) The Little Drummer Boy
This song is only the 10th place song on the list because it actually builds throughout the song pretty well, and just about every time I hear it I get way into the climax. However, it cannot be denied that the song is the very definition of repetitive. A person can only take so many rum pum pum pums in a single song. Plus, the subject matter is awkward. You have the Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the cows, the shepherds, the wise men, and then....the drummer boy? I don't understand where he got thrown into the mix.

9.) The Christmas Song
This one takes number 9 because it is pretty sappy and a bit overly-nostalgic. And narcissistic! - I mean, who ever dubbed this song as The Christmas song? Some clever songwriter decided that he or she had pretty much written the Christmas song of Christmas songs...and then named it that way!

8.) Sleigh Ride - by the Carpenters
I can only listen to so much of this song without getting a headache. It has a way of being....all over the place. I don't know, though. This might just be my aversion towards the Carpenters' music spilling over. It's really not all that bad as far as holiday songs go, but it certainly deserves a spot on this list, and not a spot on the airwaves.

7.) Breath of Heaven - by Amy Grant
I will freely acknowledge that there will be many of you who will disagree with this one. It seems that my entire family not only enjoys this song, but is actually moved by it at times. I am hardly so moved, and find that this song has too much....too much....too much Breathy-ness. Too much of the 1990's. It is strangely reminiscent of those over-the-top seminary videos... I don't know. To each his own.

6.) Feliz Navidad
"Feliz Navidad" is the kind of song hat you hear once in the morning and it's stuck in your head the entire rest of that day. It's catchy, I'll admit. It's in Spanish, which actually makes me biased in its favor. But the thing that kills me is that THIS SONG ONLY HAS ONE VERSE. It repeats, and then it repeats that repeat. And then for some reason they repeat the whole thing over again. I will always wonder, Who wrote this, and why didn't they write more verses to it?

5.) All I Want For Christmas Is You - by Mariah Carey
OH COME ON. This song has cliché written all over it. "All I want for Christmas is you, baby!" That is so terrible. Did the songwriter actually think he or she was the first person to think of that line?

4.) Wonderful Christmastime - by Paul McCartney
I make no secret of the fact that I am a huge fan of the Beatles. But I really wish that when Paul wrote this he had the other three members of the band there to tell him that this song was actually really cheesy. Perhaps I just don't like it because one of my old roommates used to leave this song on repeat at his desk while he did his homework because he loved listening to it so much. I guess I just got a little tired of hearing "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime! Simply having a wonderful Christmastime! Simply having a wonderful Christmastime!" over and over and over again. It's like a bad Old Navy commercial.

3.) Deck the Halls - the Mannheim Steamroller version
Although anything by Mannheim Steamroller can be annoying after the first ten seconds, this song especially made the list simply because just about every radio station that broadcasts Christmas music plays this song at least ten times each day. You know which one I'm talking about. This is the really....bouncy...version. The kind that sounds like it drinks a little too much coffee in the mornings. We could all go without this classic-Christmas-song-destroyer.

2.) The Christmas Shoes - by Newsong
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time....And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight." Where do I even begin??? This song sets records for how sappy it is. It has the WORST rhymes and terrible "filler words" to make it fit with the meter. It changes keys at EVERY VERSE. It EXPLICITLY tries to teach the listeners a lesson. It uses the phrase "...if Mama meets Jesus tonight". The genre is Country. I could easily go on, but I think this post is too long as it is.

And now, the worst of them all...

1.) Where Are You, Christmas? - by Faith Hill
This song is only played on the radio because either 1) it is sung by a very beautiful woman, or 2) it fills that central need every human being has to just burst out in apostrophe: "Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why did you go away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play?" (a terrible rhyme, by the way) (and the last line screws up the meter like crazy). And the worst thing is that this song really only makes sense in the context of the movie it comes from! I mean, how well can we REALLY relate to this? How many of are so depressed that we feel like Christmas has just...gone away? (And why can't we find it!)

Add to the list! What holiday songs do you loathe, abhor, or despise?

Lunch Hour

I walk out of the building I work in, and I pass a cluster of huddled lawyers and corporate executives who all work in the same building as I do. I pretend that they all work for me, and that they stop their conversation to ask me how I am doing and if I would like to join them for lunch. I pretend that I say no thank you, but that I would, however, love to join them on Thursday, right after I close the Bonacue deal. I walk past them and pretend that I have a car today, but that I have decided to walk to lunch instead so that I can help stop global warming. I then walk two blocks down the road and am forced to make a decision: I pretend that I am forced to decide between the best Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles and a five-star French cafe where I have twelve waiters to wait on me and they serve ridiculously small food portions. I choose the cafe, since there are two beautiful blondes sitting at one of the tables outside. I have the mind of a sixteen-year old, I realize. I walk into the cafe, and a man stands at the register to ring up my order. He has a slight french accent, and I pretend that he is a top-rated chef, and that there are five other chefs behind the counter who are all waiting for me to decide so that they can begin preparing whatever I wish to eat that day. I ask the man which panini is the best. He recommends none of them specifically, saying that they are all very tasty and filling. I order the fresh tomato and mozzerella with spinach, since I told my father I would eat healthier, and then I add a dollar to the tip jar and pretend that I make millions and can tip people with hundred dollar bills instead of singles. I walk outside to my table, which is next to the beautiful blond women, and I pretend that they are talking about me. Almost immediately as I pretend this, they get up and leave, probably late to return to their shifts at the beauty salon a few doors down. Left alone, I decide to text my sister about the photos she requested from me. I pull out my phone and pretend it is an iPhone, and that it can do anything and everything I could ever possibly imagine - ever. "There's an app for that," I say to myself as I think about the idea of my phone being able to transcribe my thoughts into a text message. I reason that communication will be much quicker and more efficient when that becomes reality. The cashier comes outside and lays down my food in front of me. I pretend that he is honored to serve me. I take a bite, and then think about the idea of being famous. I pretend that everyone who passes me is gawking at me and taking my photo with their camera-phones, and that people in their cars are rubbernecking to see what I ordered and why I decided to eat at such a crummy, overpriced street cafe when I could have had the best Chinese food in Los Angeles just down the road. I eat slowly, pretending that the panini I am eating is actually warm, and that the water I am drinking is Fuji instead of tap. As I chew my food, I pretend that I am realizing the way to finally cure cancer, and that the world will soon have the pills dispersed to everyone who stands in need. I pretend that curing cancer is as simple as taking some pill, and that the pill's dispersion to the world is a simple matter of paying the overnight shipping charges to Fed-Ex. The cashier comes outside to wipe another table and asks how everything is tasting. "Fine," I say, adding that the panini is one of the best I've had. I pretend that statement implies that I've actually been to France, and that this panini beats even the real French paninis I had while I studied there for a year. I finish my food and get up to leave. As I walk away, I turn back to read the sidewalk sign the cafe has stood up to show visitors they are open for lunch. "Câfe Desuigne," it reads. I pretend that I can actually pronounce that correctly. Then I pretend, once again, that I am famous, and that I have just signed a photograph of myself for the cafe owner, and that the he is hanging it up hurriedly so that his other customers will be able to see that, believe it or not, Andrew Stratford just walked in and ordered a fresh tomato, mozerella, and spinach panini from his restaurant. I pretend that he renamed that panini as the Stratford Panini, and that it is the newest addition to his menu.

"Stratford Panini - $12.99."

And then I pretend that it is the most-often ordered dish on the menu, because everyone enjoys its clever combination of ingredients so much. As I continue down the sidewalk, I smile to myself because I haven't had this good of a lunch hour in what feels like a very long time.

Christmas Colors

Okay:

- I changed my blog's colors to Christmas-y colors in honor of the holidays - DON'T make fun of it.

Not okay:

- Today I parked in front of a sign that read "BYU BOOKSTORE VEHICLES PARKING ONLY". Unfortunately for me, I interpreted this as a spot designated for persons who were planning on shopping at the BYU Bookstore. I parked there, telling myself that to make it all legal I would just pop in and buy something stupid like chapstick or some chocolates.

$50.00 fine.

A Very Difficult Post To Write

Public Announcement:

I am going back to BYU.

After Christmas.

(Merry Christmas.)

I'm not too excited about it, I must say. I mean, school is cool (rhyme!), but Utah isn't all that cool. Well, that's not entirely true. And after living in a place where "Utah Mormons" are made fun of left and right (something I completely disagree with) I am actually more prone to defend Utah than hate on it. But, let's face it. I just spent six months in Los Angeles. Some people would give their left arm to have the experience that I've had. Nevertheless, I need to finish school. And I've already done a year and a half at BYU, so why not finish it at BYU? They even gave me a scholarship to come back.

LIST OF THINGS I'LL MISS FROM LOS ANGELES:

- my dad and his girlfriend, Jill, and her son, Gabe, and all of their family (I'm trying hard to not think about actually having to leave these people, so please don't remind me)
- my job, which includes my boss, Jeff, and my co-worker, Christian, who was completely devastated when I told him my plans
- the Los Angeles LDS temple, which is the most beautiful temple in the world (fact, not opinion)
- the sushi, of which I cannot eat enough
- the street names, which add a lot more personality to a place than you would believe
- the diversity, which is amazing there
- the beach, which I didn't go to enough
- the Los Angeles 1st YSA Ward, which consisted of some of the nicest people I've ever met in my entire life
- the crazy housekeeper, whom I will only miss sort of, and if you knew her you would know why

But let's not get too sentimental, now...

LIST OF THINGS I'M (TRYING) TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN UTAH

- school at BYU
- friends at BYU
- the (uncomfortable and overwhelming) number of people who have the same religious beliefs as I do
- the fact that I will probably never have to pay for parking while in Provo
- the fact that movies cost less than ten bucks
- the large amount of other family that I have here
- the singles ward that I'm not yet in
- the super amazing view of the mountains

Okay, that attempt at optimism didn't really work for me. This is, actually, a very hard post for me to write, because for some strange reason putting it on my blog makes it more real and immediate than ever before. I guess I'll just have to look forward to the day when, after about two and a half years of schooling, and a church mission somewhere in there, I finally get to return home.

And that will be a great day.

"The Crappiest Generation of Spoiled Idiots"

This is my better-late-than-never Thanksgiving post.

Watch this video from Conan.

His name is Louis C.K.

He makes a good point!

BE GRATEFUL.
DON'T TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

Amen.