Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A Good Book



I just had a great idea for this book I want to write someday.

It's going to be called "The Improper Use; of a Semicolon". Isn't that brilliant? (...and confusing?)

It's going to be a love story between a librarian from Rhode Island and ... a giraffe (!). She's walking home from the grocery store carrying a large bag of mangos and a bottle of Vodka when suddenly she decides in frustration at repressed hopes and dreams that she wants to quit her job, buy a one-way ticket to Africa, and devote the rest of her life to increasing the life-span of the common Giraffa camelopardalis. The majority of the book will be spent building the conflict between this poor librarian from Rhode Island and her parents (who, of course, have wanted her to study law at Harvard or Yale since she was a little girl). After much fighting and late, late nights at the local pub, she decides to forget her family and her job at the library and leave for Africa first thing the next morning. After a twelve-hour flight to Africa with a three-hour layover in Barcelona, she finally walks off the plane, only to be greeted by the worlds leading expert in giraffes, Mr. Thomas McCoy from Ireland, whom she had written earlier to let him know she would be coming. She thinks he's very handsome, and he feels the same for her, so they both decide to get married, eventually. The only problem is, he keeps her from all of the giraffes he had promised her she would be able to study if they did marry. In fact, the first time she sees a giraffe in the first four months of being there is in a magazine at a local market stand, in a photograph with President Bush trying to pet one at the San Diego Zoo! This wakes her up to remember the real reason she came to Africa, and so she leaves early the next morning, like she did before with her parents, buys a ticket for an African safari with a bunch of weird tourists, and jumps out of the Jeep on the first sight of giraffes. It is there that this poor, deranged, little librarian-alcoholic from Rhode Island spends the rest of her life with a fourteen-foot giraffe, trying to find a way to have children with him, and trying all the while to accomodate herself to her new diet of wild berries and tree branches.

She dies four days later.

"The Improper Use; of a Semicolon." Maybe I'll add an exclamation point at the end: "The Improper Use; of a Semicolon!" I think that would sell better.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Legal Stuff

I work at a law firm.

Meet my boss, Jeff W. Lane, Esq. But no one calls him that. He would shoot anyone who called him that. He's just Jeff. He's from Manhattan, and he's very proud of it. He's a very strange guy in many ways, I'll admit, but he's the nicest guy in the world for giving me the job I have. Let me tell you a little bit about my boss: he's way, way, way into politics. (And that's understating it.) We literally spend about 1/3rd of our work day discussing what "really" brought down the World Trade Towers (President Bush, believe it or not), how terrible it was for Bush to bring us into Iraq, and what crazy a big mother fucker Bush was (his words, not mine -- although I'm not his biggest fan either). Another thing, this guy is the very definition of old-school. Even though he has to draft million-page documents all day every day, he does so by punching it out with two fingers -- just like he used to with a type writer "back in the good ol' days." (Remember those?) In fact, he the default font on his computer is Courier, just like on a type writer. (I've come to love it, actually, and that's why this post is all in Courier.) Sometimes he sits back just lets me do the typing for him while he dictates because the whole office can work about ten times faster that way. It's pretty crazy. And he never uses the mouse. Never. This guy's all about the keyboard shortcuts. In fact, he gets upset when I even reach for the mouse. It may sound strange to the average blog reader, but to me my job is incredible, and all of these little things make my job that much more entertaining. The coolest thing about my boss? His dress code is strictly jeans and a t-shirt. He would probably fire me if I were to show up in a shirt and a tie. And if a client doesn't like the way he dresses, he just refuses them service.

Enough about my boss. What do I do, exactly? I help to draft wills and trusts and other legal documents people pay lots of money for. And then I edit them. And then I edit them again. And then I edit them a third, fourth, or even sometimes a fifth time. Why? As my boss always tells me in his thick New York accent: "It's gatta be poyfect, Andrew. They don' pay me for futzin' aroun' heeya." And much of the time I get to just sit and listen to my boss yell at some moron-of-a-client on the phone (again, his words, not mine), or maybe even yell at his phone because he has AT&T and AT&T doesn't get service anywhere. It's all very entertaining. My co-worker, Christian, and I often find ourselves sitting back and laughing at how crazy our boss is. It's the best job.

And that's what life is like for me Monday through Thursday, 12:30 pm - 6:30 pm. Just in case you were wondering.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sunday is the Day to Blog

Today is Sunday, which means I have lots of time to do whatever I want, which means I have lots of time to blog. What a weird word, 'blog'. What a strange verb. And noun.

Today:
Today was good. Went to church. Felt the Spirit. Broke the fast. Went home-teaching. Made some friends. Cool.

And now I'm going to eat some oatmeal.

"Slimy. . .yet, satisfying!"
--The Lion King

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Leaving Utah

In case you didn't know it already...

I used to live here:



But now I live here:



However, for the past few days I have been back in Utah visiting family and such. But tomorrow this blessed vacation ends. Tomorrow at exactly 1:50pm I leave to go back to Los Angeles.

*tear shed*

Small list of things I hate to leave behind in Utah:

the family
the mountains
the dog (Tobias)
the BYU
the friends at BYU
the snow (only a little bit) (and only whenever it comes) (it is, after all, very unpredictable)
the mom's cooking
the freeways without traffic


But it will be nice to be back to see some of things I have really missed the last few days!

Small list of things that beckon me back to L.A.:

the weather
the job
the beach
the dad
the dad's girlfriend
the dad's girlfriend's son
the dad's girlfriend's son's dogs


But don't cry! I'll come back! I'll come baaaaaaaack... [fades out].